Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
