The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
