dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
