this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you had me at cake vodka
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
