I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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