dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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