I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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