It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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