Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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