I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
