Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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