I think I am morally bankrupt
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
