made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I forget how to act sober
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
