they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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