I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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