I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
