Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
