She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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