she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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