I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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