So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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