If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
