At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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