Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize