The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
