I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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