did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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