Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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