Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
