New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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