Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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