Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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