I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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