Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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