Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
