Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
