At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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