I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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