Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
