Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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