ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
