I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
