my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
