"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
