Sry I called you an 8
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
