Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Semen is not good for contacts.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
