It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need moral support for this bender
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
