I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
