I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
