guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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