I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
