He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
