You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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