if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
