he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
