you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
