It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The Olympian is in my bed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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