I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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