I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
